(Online) Dating With A Disability

Just under an hour ago, I was on Spin 103.8's Spin Talk to discuss this email with presenters Lauren Kelly and Gordon Hayden:

A couple of weeks ago I started chatting to a gorgeous guy on Tinder, conversation flowed really easily and turns out we’ve got lots in common.

Eventually I plucked up courage  to ask him out on a date, but before we were  to meet he told me he had something important to tell me and wasn’t sure how I’d take it. I immediately thought he might be married or had kids..but when he told me that he was in a wheelchair,  I was really shocked and if I’m honest my heart sank.

I don’t know anyone who’s disabled and just kinda freaked out about it, but decided to give it a go. We met for a coffee and I was deliberately late because all I could think of was how he’d get in the door, what if the tables were too high?  I was so self conscious the entire time but he was so cool and easy to talk to.

He’s asked about meeting again but as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think I can deal with it. I always thought I was a very open minded person but maybe I’m not I hate myself for being so shallow.  Maybe I’ll get over it. Should I give this guy another chance?  Thanks.

They had given me a couple of hours to think over what I was going to say and, boy, did I.

I'm in the middle of writing a piece about Tinder and dating* that has nothing to do with wheelchairs or disability so I am full of ideas and, it turns out, rage.

On air, I said something along the lines of this:

You’re asking if you should give him another chance. Yes, you should but should he? Absolutely not.  

As you said, he is gorgeous, easy to talk to and cool but all you could focus on was the wheelchair. You are so quick to deny yourself this great guy all because of the chair.

Tinder dates are weird and everybody has some anxiety going on one but you went through with it - so well done. You worried about the right things - will he fit in the door and are the tables too high. You thought about things that you’ve never thought about before and that’s brilliant. If you need other accessible dating venues, well, read my blog Legless in Dublin. 

Tinder is a massive platform for shallow and superficial behaviour. We all do it. Sure I swipe left in anyone comes up in an Abercrombie t-shirt. We are putting our appearances and basic level of interests up for judgement. However, if you met this guy at a party or through a friend, you may have overlooked his wheelchair or I might even overlook an Abercrombie t-shirt if he ended up being really, really sound. Tinder removes the benefit-of-the-doubt and we go for surface judgements too quickly.  

People that don’t go out dates with people because of a wheelchair or a disability or missing out on many things. They’re missing out on meeting really nice people or really horrible people. This guy could be the greatest or he could be an absolute womanizer but you will never know. 

I'm often asked about dating with a disability and I feel as if I have to provide a spreadsheet of all the men I have hooked up with and why it went wrong. I am single and I know it's not because I'm in a wheelchair. I'm single mostly because I'm a bit of a dickhead and I have a low tolerance for idiots. That's the bottom line on that matter.

The tone that is normally given in these interview situations is that the non-disabled person is exploring new territory. No, you're not. People with disabilities can be sluts too! We're just like you!

I have to give credit where credit it due and the presenters didn't pander to any stereotypes or condescending opinions towards people with disabilities. They spoke honestly and respectfully. Thank you. Not many people in the media can do this.

I was surprised by the positive reaction from the texters too. A lot of people thought this girl should cop on and they mirrored my thoughts that this guy could probably do better. One texter did say this though:

"It takes a very special person to do that [date someone in a wheelchair] and I couldn't do that". 

TO ALL THE MEN I HAVE HOOKED UP WITH: YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL BOYS. 

When it comes to dating,  no one should ever have to prove to someone that you are worthy of their time.  But for people with physical disabilities, these attitudes are great ways to cut the assholes loose at a rapid pace.

If you come across someone on Tinder or in real life that you sort of fancy but they have a disability, just go for it. There is nothing difficult about it other than choosing an accessible date venue and, luckily, you have my blog to help you out with that.



*Editors, this piece is a hoot. You should commission me for it. 

The 108

The 108
108 Rathgar Road, Dublin 6
galwaybaybrewery.com/the108/


The 108 recently changed owners and it is now in the very capable hands of Galway Bay Brewery who also look after The Black Sheep and Against The Grain. They're serving up the regular blend of craft beers and hearty pub grub but with so many pubs and restaurants in one corner and Blackbird in Rathmines, it has a bit of competition. Luckily, they have the lovely Rathgar locals to lure into their lair and with their lunchtime menu, they should have a steady crowd in through the doors.



What has it got?

Seating:  They have a mix of high stools, low stools, high tables and low tables. The low tables are perfect for a wheelchair but you may have to bagsy a spot early. None of the stools have arms but there is an armed bench, ready for attack.

Doors: Their front doors are double doors. They're a little bit heavy but they fit a wheelchair.

Ground:  Wooden floors.

Stairs: 'tis all flat, like the gorgeous plains of Kildare.

Bathrooms: They have a wheelchair bathroom! Rejoice! It's pretty big and has all of the correct bars and handles.

Spaciousness: It is a little bit tight to move through all of the tables so it will be a heave when the crowds are in.

Helpfulness of Staff: The staff seem sound

Parking: There is plenty on onstreet parking in the area and Colman's across the road has a car park. There is a wheelchair parking spot beside Christ Church Rathgar.


Rating: 10/10

Why did it lose points? It didn't! In terms of access, you should have an easy night in The 108. 

Legless in America: The San Francisco Downtown Hostel

The San Francisco Downtown Hostel
312 Mason Street, San Francisco, CA 94102
sfhostels.org/downtown


The big thing you need to mention about San Francisco is that it is hilly. Once you get over that fact, you'll realise that most of the buildings are pretty accessible. If you can get there.

The San Francisco Downtown Hostel is very San Fran. The staff will invite you on walking ukelele tours and they are very much about hostel involvement. Just smile, ignore them and indulge in the free bagels. It's a lovely hostel in a very handy location in the middle of the city so it's easy to plan your day from there.


What has it got?

Rooms: They have a couple of American Disability Act certified rooms which are spacious. The beds are bunk beds and you are given the bottom bunk.

Bathrooms: The bathroom was massive. However, they had no handrails and the shower was actually a bath. They provided a stool to put in when you are showering but it was a little dodgy. Keep your wits about you here.

Doors:  The doors are quite heavy and I needed a hand with them a couple of times.

Stairs: The entrance is flat and they have a lift that goes to all floors. Give yourself some time with this lift as it is quite temperamental and you can only press the button for one floor at a time. We lost half a day in here.



Helpfulness of Staff: I didn't require much help from them but it is San Fran and they will probably sell their liver in order to help you.

Parking: There is street parking available.


Rating: 8/10
Why did it lose points? It is a very nice hostel and we got what we needed from it; a bed and a free breakfast. The fact that the wheelchair room didn't come with any actual handrails or a specific wheelchair shower was a bit of an issue and would be a bigger problem for other people in wheelchairs. The lift was an almighty pain in the hole but they have posters everywhere apologising for that. 

Legless At Electric Picnic 2014

Electric Picnic is the mother of Irish music festivals. It gets the biggest names and the biggest crowds but why does it feel like they gave access very little thought?

I had a brilliant weekend at Electric Picnic. Portishead, Kelis, Outkast and Pet Shop Boys blew my little mind away but if there is one way to describe their access service, the words pain and ass aren't too far from each other.

For the first time ever, I camped in the accessible campsite at Electric Picnic. The advantages to this are that you can park your car right beside your tent, tents are spread out so you can get in and out of your own easily and they have large wheelchair accessible portaloos. In the other campsites, there are no wheelchair portaloos available so if you're wheeling, you're not peeing (easily).


We arrived late on Friday night so our usual coveted spot in the Oscar Wilde site was gone. For the last three years, we camped on the edge of that campsite because it was a stone's throw away from the main arena. Unfortunately, the accessible campsite was one of the furthest sites away from all of the action; approximately 2-3km. Tucked right in where all of the campervans played house for the weekend, those who need the easiest path in were given the furthest route to take.

On the Electric Picnic website, you can contact access@festivalrepublic.com to book a spot in the access site. I had emailed them before the festival to ask if the access site would be as far away as previous years. They said the reason it was the furthest away was because it was the closest spot for drivers to go in. While parking beside your tent is incredibly handy when you are arriving and leaving, it's the time in between (i.e. the festival that you bought your ticket for) that you need to be close to the action.

The access officers at the campsite were incredibly helpful and couldn't believe that that was the best Electric Picnic could do in terms of access. One officer mentioned how they had tried for three hours to get a golf buggy to help one camper who had MS to get around but there was no service available.

At Body and Soul earlier this summer, their access officer had a huge presence and gave out her mobile number to everyone just in case. The accessible campsite was also right beside the main arena and they had a shuttle service to bring people back and forth if they needed it.

For the entire weekend at EP, I had to rely on my friends to help me get around.  Luckily, my friends are a great bunch but it meant that I couldn't get to my tent on my own. At festivals, you need to nip back to the tent to get layers or for the very important disco naps so I felt like a nag to my friends when I needed their help. The paths leading from all the campsites are rough with stones and when it was wet, mud was a big issue. The fact that the access campsite was so far away meant that we had more tough ground to cover than the rest of the campers.

Inside the main arena, they had plenty of wheelchair portaloos and viewing platforms if you needed them. The access guards did everything within their means to help but the facilities that they were given just weren't enough.

This year was my eighth Picnic and as the Big One they need to up their access game if I will make next year's my ninth. The music and the fun inside will always be a huge draw but it's the stress and the struggle to get in that aren't worth it.

The Ginger Man

The Ginger Man
39-40 Fenian Street, Dublin 2
facebook.com/pages/Gingerman/168539229827554



I popped in here one Sunday evening for some dinner and it ticked many boxes. The food was fairly solid pub grub - highly recommend the fish and chips - and it wasn't massively expensive. As soon as we sat down, a bus full of American tourists came in so it was very busy but I'm sure they enjoyed its twee old country pub thing and eavesdropping on our conversation.


What has it got?

Seating:  They have high stools and low stools for tables of all heights and sizes. A few of the tables have benches with arm rests and some are tucked away in snugs.

Doors:  The doors are wide and easy to open.

Ground:  The floors are wooden which could make them a bit slippy when it's wet.

Stairs: There is an upstairs but everything you need is on the ground level.

Bathrooms: They have a wheelchair bathroom - rejoice! It's very spacious and in an easy-to-get-to location. The mirror is up way too high but everything else is in check.

Spaciousness: If a bus full of American tourists pulls up, it is definitely tight for space but the tables aren't piled on top of each other.

Helpfulness of Staff: Incredibly sound bunch. Chatty, friendly and helpful but not in your face.

Parking: There is plenty of on street parking around here. I couldn't suss out a particular wheelchair parking spot right beside it but there are spaces available on Merrion Square which is just down the road.


Rating: 10/10
Why did it lose points? It didn't. I didn't expect this pub to have the proper facilities but it did.  I'm glad I finally got to visit one of Dublin's famous pubs that actually has proper wheelchair access. Fair play.